


Compliance

by nwhiker



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-05-17 09:46:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14829977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nwhiker/pseuds/nwhiker
Summary: Severus Snape has always found that compliance helped him survive...Canon: Deathly HallowsWarning: sexual abuse of a minor.





	Compliance

**Author's Note:**

> This was previously posted on my livejournal.

****  
  


It had been going on for as long as he could remember. His parents would shout at each other, their voices louder and louder and they'd say things so hurtful to each other, he'd cringe even when he was too young to understand most of the words. Then something even worse would happen. He'd be in his bed, and his father would come into the room and do... things to him. Things he never spoke of, ever. Things that hurt bitterly, that caused him to bleed, that made him cry. Things that made him ashamed of being alive, of going out, of everything.

But the next night, they wouldn't fight. And little Severus quickly understood that his compliance and his silence brought peace to the household.

\----- ∞ -----

He remembered the first time he saw Lily. He was seven or eight and she didn't see him. She was swinging and her golden red hair was flying around her and shining in the sunlight. She was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen and his breath caught.

He saw happiness for the very first time that day.

\----- ∞ -----

His mother had been a Ravenclaw and felt that he should be too. But Severus knew he didn't want to be in Ravenclaw. He'd read enough about the Houses and knew he wanted to be a Slytherin.

Slytherin would give him power.

Power to make Lily like him.

Power to stop the bullies from beating him up when he went outside.

Power to make his father stop doing the unmentionable things to him.

Ravenclaw might be nice, but Slytherin was definitely the best.

\----- ∞ -----

Lily was his friend. He chanted her name, day in, day out and it helped him survive, anchored him. He had a friend. He told her everything.

Well. Almost everything. He never told her of the things his father did to him, ever. How could he sully her with the knowledge of... that? He couldn't.

But Lily was his friend.

\----- ∞ -----

Gryffindor. Lily was a Gryffindor. It didn't make a difference, really. She would still be his friend.

He was in Slytherin. The Sorting Hat had tried to put him in Ravenclaw, but he'd begged for Slytherin. Power. He needed power. He was a little boy who didn't have any.

\----- ∞ -----

It was during his first year that he understood that beauty was a power in itself. As he watched how people reacted to Lily, beautiful Lily and to that horrid Sirius Black, he realised that to some people, because of their features or the colour of their hair or eyes, power was innate. He marvelled at that. Lucius Malfoy told him of someone more powerful that Severus could imagine, and more beautiful as well. He was in awe.

\----- ∞ -----

When he got back home, in June, Severus realised his father was afraid of him, of his wand. Power.

But then his mother told him that underage wizards couldn't do magic outside of school.

His father came to him that night and it hurt so bad, he cried himself to sleep.

His father beat him the next day, with a chair, after his mother complained that he'd gotten blood on his sheets to make more work for her.

He said nothing. Silence and compliance got him further here, it seemed, than anything else.

\----- ∞ -----

When he was 13 he tried to tell his mother what his father was doing to him. She smacked him and told his father.

He was beaten some more, until he passed out. Then his father yelled at his mother.

When he woke up, his father was in the room with him. It was the same old thing. He bit back the tears and submitted.

\----- ∞ -----

It was in July, one hot night, when his father actually talked to him. He told him what he was going to do to Lily, that he'd have her do some of the same things he made Severus do.

Severus grabbed his wand and cast a spell, a Dark one he'd found in a book he'd bought used in Knockturn Alley.

He got a letter saying he had to appear at the Ministry for a "hearing." He knew they wanted to expel him from Hogwarts.

\----- ∞ -----

He stood in front of them, Professor Dumbledore, an older witch by the name of Marchbanks, and a wizard whose name he didn't catch. They were horrified by what he'd done, he could tell. The look of revulsion on Dumbledore's face told him everything.

They had the power to expel him. He could tell they were going to. He was silent. They took his silence for an admission of guilt, and perhaps it was.

The wizard said he needed to use the bathroom and Dumbledore coldly told Snape to get out of the hearing room. He left. He found Lucius Malfoy in the hallway.

Severus was forlorn. He'd never see Lily any more. He'd have to go back to living with his parents. He could hear the defeat in his tone as he told Lucius Malfoy some of what happened. Not about the things that his father did to him, or about what he said he'd do to Lily, but about the shouting and the beating. There is nothing shameful about being beaten.

Malfoy stared at him and Severus started to feel uncomfortable. When the old wizard came out of the bathroom, Malfoy accosted him. Severus' eyes were wide with surprise as Malfoy, smirking, cast a Confundus.

Back in the hearing, Severus could tell that Dumbledore and Marchbanks were surprised when their colleague insisted on letting Severus off. Dumbledore stared at him and shook his head, but had to agree.

Malfoy was waiting for him when he got out, dazed at this turn of events. The older boy grabbed the younger one by the arm and dragged him into the bathroom.

"Suck,” he said. Severus complied, silently.

\----- ∞ -----

During that school year, he learned the vocabulary of what was being done to him, by his father, and now by Lucius Malfoy and many of the older Slytherin boys. He found books that told about it in the Restricted Section and they made him even more ashamed of it.

Late one night he snuck into the Potions Lab to brew a salve that the book said would help stop the bleeding after they fucked him. Lucius had said he'd tell everyone that Severus was a half-blood if he didn't submit.

Lily was getting more and more upset at Severus' new friends. She wanted him to tell them to go away, she wanted him not to be around them anymore. How could he tell her that he had to be their friend because if not, worse things than before would happen to him?

He didn't like some of the things he was doing: hurting other people. He'd found out that while he didn't have much physical power, his tongue could cut and he used it. Mostly the other Slytherins laughed, but he knew there were some he'd hurt. It felt good at the time, but later, he'd grimace to himself, knowing Lily wouldn't approve, no matter what.

\----- ∞ -----

The summer before his fourth year he found a book on Legilimency in Knockturn Alley. He read it quickly, devouring it in one night, then rereading it over the next day. This might be power.

It made things worse. He could see their thoughts now. How they despised him, even as they bent him over and fucked him. How they loathed his small, pale body, how they believed, and he agreed with them, that little Severus Snape was little better than an animal.

\----- ∞ -----

Power only brought more pain. And more shame.

\----- ∞ -----

Shame and humiliation. It was the first month of 5th year and Lucius had passed on the information on Severus' blood status to Regulus Black the year before. "Tell him what you want, he'll do it. He sucks pretty good," he'd said, as if Severus wasn't there.

Regulus was beautiful. Not quite as beautiful as Lily, or even his brother Sirius, whom Severus detested, but still beautiful. As the younger boy fucked him, something happened to Severus.

First he noticed how soft Regulus' skin felt, how his hand, slender and long fingered looked so elegant on his shoulder. As Regulus leaned in, Severus felt his hair brush his back and this sent shivers coursing up and down his body. Then Regulus moved in a different way and Severus screamed, his silence broken for the first time as pleasure as powerful as death overtook him.

This hadn't happened before. Severus was no stranger to his own hand, to furtive completion under the sheets, but never had he gotten hard when his father, or Malfoy, or the Lestrange brothers, or Avery or Nott or Mulciber or any of the others had touched him.

This time was different. He bit his lip in shame and utter humiliation.

Regulus noticed the erection and, triumphant, called the others over to see.

Everyone watched as he fucked Severus and jerked him off and the other boys cheered him on, their voices echoing in the Common Room, encouraging Regulus: "Faster! Harder! He's gonna shoot!"

When he came, shuddering his orgasm into Regulus Black's soft hand, the yells and shouts almost overwhelmed him but he was eventually left, a small, dark, crumpled body as his tormenters lavished praise and felicitations on Regulus, who leaned over and wiped Severus' come on his hair and face and laughed at him.

There was nothing worse than the shame and humiliation of his body betraying him.

\----- ∞ -----

Nights in the library. He poured through book after book in the Restricted Section, almost getting caught several times. He finally found it: a potion he knew he could brew, tricky as it may be. It would prevent him from feeling pleasure, any pleasure. He realised that it would also permanently turn his already crooked teeth permanently yellow but that would be a small price to pay for never having to have an orgasm again. He had little regret for the pleasure he'd felt at his own hand. Nothing compared to the shame. And he'd gain power by denying them what he now sensed they all wanted: to make him lose control and whimper like he'd done for Regulus Black.

\----- ∞ -----

The potion was bitter, bitter beyond anything he'd ever tasted. He gagged it down. Every night.

They tried to make him come again. All of them, jerking his cock til he was sore and chafed. He sensed the irony of being proud of not getting an erection. The power to deny them the satisfaction.

\----- ∞ -----

Sirius Black attempted to kill him and now he owed a life debt to James Potter.

James Potter who also adored Lily, his Lily.

Nothing happened to Sirius Black. He was given a few weeks of detention, for attempting to murder a classmate. Of course, thought Severus bitterly, it wasn't a classmate who mattered. The power of beauty, of an arrogant voice, of poise and grace, versus the lack of power of small, dark, greasy and ugly. Why should he have expected anything else of Dumbledore who gravely scolded one Gryffindor, lavishly praised one other, consoled a horrified Werewolf and looked at him as if he were the cause of all this unpleasantness?

More rage and humiliation.

He didn't know why he was surprised when Potter cornered him one evening after Herbology, dragged him to the tool shed and fucked him, laughing all the time and as he reminded Severus he could not complain to anyone because he owed him, he owned him.

Worse were the mutterings of what Potter wanted to do to Lily, to suck her nipples, lick her clit. He talked about it all the time as he fucked Severus.

Lily wanted to know why he hung out with Mulciber and Avery, why he let Black and Potter get to him. He couldn't answer.

\----- ∞ -----

Potter caught him staring one day, at Lily, a hungry look in his eyes.

He thought about it for a long time that night. Potter had accused him of wanting to fuck Lily. Why would he ever want to do that, to ever fuck anyone? All it caused was pain and humiliation. He knew some people did want that, but figured they were different from him. No, he knew what he really wanted from Lily: he wanted her to love him, only him.

\----- ∞ -----

He called Lily a Mudblood and he lost her. He tried to hope, but he knew it was forever, that he'd never see friendship in her eyes again. Something died inside him and he never ever used that word again, ever let anyone use it in his presence, but the damage had been done.

He sensed, somehow, that he'd lost his direction in the world.

Then he remembered. Power. Power was what would save him, power would prevent the pain. He had to work towards that goal, forget about Lily, about friendship. If he was powerful, nothing, nobody would ever be able to hurt him again.

\----- ∞ -----

Potter fucked him harder than ever that night, on the Astronomy Tower. It took days to staunch the bleeding from his arsehole, but the other wounds, the taunts about what Potter knew Severus had lost, never healed. Those bled his whole life, until, finally seeing his mother's eyes in Harry, he died.

\----- ∞ -----

His mother was brewing a Potion for a Muggle woman, like she'd always done. He recognised the smells better now, of the various herbs and fungi she was using: pennyroyal and ergot and... he sniffed... evening primrose. Not, however, a combination he'd heard of.

When she looked at him, as he came in, a sullen expression of dislike on her face, it all came to him, unbidden, his studies of Legilimency making him the receptacle of thoughts he did not want.

She'd used that same potion to try to get rid of him, to kill him before he was born. There wasn't a single day when she didn't wish that the abortion had succeeded.

Severus said nothing and just climbed the stairs to his bedroom, where he lay on his bed and used Killing Curses on flies. Let them expel him from Hogwarts, like his mother had attempted to expel him from her body. Somehow he no longer cared.

\----- ∞ -----

Lucius Malfoy had been telling him the truth, all those years earlier, when he spoke of a man who was more powerful and more beautiful than any Severus had ever seen.

Kneeling in front of the Dark Lord, the day after his 17th birthday, he took the Dark Mark that would give him the power he craved.

The Dark Lord liked him, he could sense that. He told the others to leave him alone. When Serverus went back to school that January, the Slytherins stopped raping him, even those who'd not yet sworn allegiance to Voldemort.

Potter stopped as well. Severus wasn't sure why, but suspected it had something to do with Lily's less frosty attitude towards her Gryffindor classmate.

He had power now. Oh, not a lot, at Dumbledore's school, but some. Enough to keep himself safe and unmolested.

\----- ∞ -----

The Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher had asked him to come down to his office that evening and Severus slowly walked the deserted corridors. Jacobson was a former Auror and didn't like Snape. He'd taken the post for a year, while he healed from an injury. Severus was always wary around him, afraid that the Dark Mark would single him out.

He stood stunned in front of the teacher, not sure he was really processing what had been said. That Jacobson would make sure Severus could not get into Seventh Year DADA, and thus take a N.E.W.T. in it unless Severus produced a Patronus.

Later he realised why he'd been asked that: most Dark Wizards could not produce one, not having in them the joy and love that was needed.

"But Sir!" he protested but the teacher was adamant.

He knew he could cast it. He'd done it before. Slowly, reluctantly, Severus pulled out his wand and, almost voiceless from the anticipated humiliation, spoke: "Expecto Patronum!".

The silvery doe, like the one Lily had produced to everyone's delight a few weeks previously, erupted from his wand.

The laughter was immediate. "A doe, Mister Snape?" chuckled the teacher. "Ah! Very well... A doe... The dark and powerful Slytherin with a doe Patronus."

Shaking his head and giggling, he dismissed Severus, who left the office, ashamed, subdued and hoping against hope that the student he'd seen in a dark corner of the office, serving detention, wasn't anyone who'd care or notice what Severus Snape's Patronus was.

\----- ∞ -----

He wasn't paying attention, really, so the attack took him by surprise. Pushed into an empty classroom, then slammed against a wall, his arms behind me. He managed to turn his head enough to see Sirius Black's mocking grey eyes.

"Snivellus loves Lil-lee, Snivellus loves Lil-lee" chanted Sirius Black.

It ended where Severus knew it would, with him on his knees in front of Sirius Black, sucking him off as quickly and as efficiently as he could.

"I'll see you tomorrow evening at midnight, Sniv. Same place," said Sirius Black with a smirk.

He said nothing. Silence. That too was a form of power.

\----- ∞ -----

The rest of his sixth year and all of the seventh, silent and seemingly docile, he knelt in front of Sirius Black and sucked him off, or bent over to let himself be fucked.

He tamped down the rage and humiliation. It was necessary. He could not let anyone find out his feelings for Lily and to his credit, Black never divulged them.

The other boy was less brutal than any of Severus' other tormenters had been. Severus never bled, Black would, carefully, prepare him for penetration. He knew Black was vexed at his inability to make Severus come: it was the only thing that made drinking down the bitter potion he took bearable: seeing, from time to time, the quick look of frustration when Black tried all his hand tricks to coax an erection out of Severus' limp cock.

They never talked, beyond the few words necessary. They rarely looked at each other. Severus complied, knowing that when he had power, this would never happen again.

\----- ∞ -----

It was October 15th in his Seventh Year that Professor Slughorn sent for him. Sitting in Slughorn's hot, overdressed office, he found out that both his parents were dead. His mother apparently beaten to death by his father, his father dead of what the Muggle police was calling a "sudden heart attack." He was surprised that there was pain.

\----- ∞ -----

A few days after their N.E.W.T.s, the day before they left Hogwarts, James Potter and Lily Evans announced their engagement to everyone. Severus had been nearby, reading a book when he heard the happy clamour. He managed to get away unnoticed by everyone except Sirius Black, who followed him into the castle. They went into the first empty classroom they found, Severus casting the locking spell on the door and this time he didn't let the other boy use any lubricant. He wanted to hurt, to bleed. Severus, for the first time, was on his back as he was being fucked, and he watched Black's face, looked into his eyes, as he came, biting his lip so as not to cry out.

After, as the other boy lay there, beads of sweat glistening on his pale skin, Severus looked off to his side, forcing his body into immobility, but neither moved for a very long time. Legilimency had it's uses and he now knew what Sirius Black had been trying to forget while fucking him.

Black pulled out, rolled off of him and Severus sat up, carefully rearranging his clothes. They sat there, silent, until Sirius Black said, his voice strangely quiet: "I won't tell."

He never understood why he didn't use the knowledge, the power, he'd gained that afternoon over Sirius Black. Years later, he'd kick himself at missing the opportunity to twist a knife in the wound and he'd wonder why he hadn't. At the time, however, pushed by something inside himself he didn't understand, he knew he could not hurt the other boy any further. As Severus was losing Lily, Sirius was losing James.

"Neither will I,” he said, as he stood up and left.

\----- ∞ -----

  
Severus knew the Dark Lord was back. He knew it before Potter returned from the graveyard, knew it as soon as the Mark on his arm started to burn. He'd known it was going to happen for a while now.

He knew the very relative peace he'd experienced for the past 13 years was over.

"...you know what I must ask you to do. If you are ready... If you are prepared..."

"I am,” said Severus, almost wanting to laugh at the Headmaster's tone. As if anyone could be prepared to go back into Hell.

He left the hospital wing, to Dumbledore's "Good luck" and stopped for a second in the corridor outside to catch his breath. Back into Hell.

Sirius Black was waiting outside, back in his human form. Severus tensed. Not that. Not now. But Black was staring at him, dislike, still, but something else as well, on his face.

"What?" asked Severus, a sneer on his lips.

"I wasn't the Secret Keeper."

Severus shrugged, ignoring the pain coursing through him. Lily. Lily.

Black turned away and, almost despite himself, Severus said softly: "I tried. Once I realised what I'd done... I tried to save her, them."

Black nodded and they went their separate ways.

\----- ∞ -----

He managed to Apparate to Hogsmeade and very slowly, in the early morning light, made his way to the Castle. Severus knew Dumbledore would want to speak to him right away, but he went to his quarters first despite that.

He stood under the water, washing away the filth, watching the blood tinged water as it went down the drain. MacNair, twice, Avery, of course. Malfoy, Amycus Carrow, Crabbe, Goyle, and Mulciber. Some had shoved their cocks up his arse, others in his mouth. He'd knelt and submitted over and over, aware that the final goal was acceptance, because this is what he'd promised to do for Lily: "Anything."

He was being punished, because the Dark Lord knew it was the choice he'd given Lily, the choice that Severus had begged him to give Lily, that was the cause of his downfall. It would take a long time, if even he could, to regain some power. A long time, most of it spent, he suspected, on his knees, his arse bare to the world. That night had just been the beginning.

The ultimate moment of horror had been when he thought that, finally, they were tired with him. Aching, filthy, he'd been about to stand up, hoping he could, when laughter had erupted around him. He looked up, still kneeling, to see Peter fucking Pettigrew standing in front of him, clumsily using his new silver hand to pull a surprisingly normal looking cock out of his trousers.

Severus thought he would throw up. Peter Pettigrew.

The man waved his cock in front of Severus' face and Severus fought the nausea. Pettigrew had power, he had none. He needed power and he opened his mouth.

At least he was skilled enough at this that it did not take long.

\----- ∞ -----

After his meeting with Dumbledore, he trudged back to his lab, grabbed a cauldron and got to work. He still had plenty of Ahedonia potion, he'd continued to take that over the years: he could not bear the thought of pleasure, any pleasure, when Lily was dead... but the salve needed to be brewed, to staunch the bleeding, prevent scarring. Witch hazel, agrimony, arnica and aloe to begin with... how many times had he brewed this salve since his third year? He didn't want to think about it. Calendula. Slowly heat the beeswax and lanolin that would be the carriers. Lady's Mantle, crushed, Shepherd's Purse, shredded. The ingredients, sadly familiar, the preparation steps engraved in his mind, his hands.

He was slowly stirring the potion into the warmed oil, the cooling bath was ready, when someone walked into the lab. He tensed and realised it was Albus Dumbledore.

He knew Dumbledore would recognise the salve for what it was. He felt sick again but schooled his face to bland indifference. Dumbledore asked him a few questions, for a clarification or two and he answered, his tone cool and matter of fact.

Both men stood in silence for a few moments, as Severus carefully poured the salve into the cooling bath and stared as the oils and wax slowly started to solidify. He risked at glance at Dumbledore and the look of revulsion on the older wizard's face almost took his breath away.

Severus felt metal bands encircle his chest, a hand as inhuman as Peter Pettigrew's grab his heart. The pain was almost unbearable. He'd thought that maybe, after almost 15 years, maybe Dumbledore felt some affection, some respect for him. The look of disgust dispelled that notion in one excruciating moment. He was a tool, he had always been and would always be. He wished, not for the first time, for death, but in a flash of clarity he realised that that was the ultimate power, the ability to choose to die, and that that power would never be granted to him. For him, redemption, and hopefully death would come through compliance and submission to Dumbledore's will, but never on his own terms.

Dumbledore left silently moments after that and Severus remained alone, as always.

\----- ∞ -----

"Why me?" he scowled at Dumbledore.

"Because, Serverus," said the old wizard, patiently, "You are going to be leaving the castle anyhow, to meet with... others, and you can stop by to check on Sirius afterwards. If Minerva or I did it, it might attract the attention of our.... friend Dolores."

"What about Shackebolt or Wea...?"

Dumbledore cut him off in a tone that did not brook refusal: "Because I want you to come back and tell me how he is, Severus, or bring me a message, or something. It would hardly do, in the current climate, for Kingsley or Arthur to be seen at Hogwarts on a regular basis."

\----- ∞ -----

It was still September when Sirius Black drawled at him: "You know, Snape, I wonder how Harry would feel if he knew you'd loved his mother?"

Serverus looked at the other man with loathing: "Or how he'd feel knowing you loved his father?"

Black's eyes narrowed. "We were never lovers."

"No, of course you weren't. Potter was too busy fucking me."

He knew right away that Black hadn't known that. The flash of pain, which made Severus smile, the slight recoil, the quick recovery.

It didn't matter, though, in the end. He could not bear the thought of Potter or the Weasley children or the Granger girl finding out about his love for Lily. The thought of their snickers in Potions class made his blood run cold.

\----- ∞ -----

He hated Sirius Black's bedroom, with it's photos of the younger Black, Potter, Pettigrew and Lupin and with the revolting Muggle pin-ups. He hated submitting to Black, mere hours after at least Malfoy and Pettigrew took him. But most of all, he hated that Sirius Black, for some reason unknown to Severus, had started insisting on using the bed and on keeping Severus in it after.

It had never been like that. Black, the others... a table, a sofa to bend him over, on his hands and knees, a wall they could slam his face into. He'd knelt before them, many times and places. He'd submitted, but except that one time with Regulus, he'd never given anything, never given an illusion of intimacy. After, he'd been free to get dressed and leave. They didn't want to see him any more than he wanted to see them.

But with Black, now, things had changed.

Severus didn't know if the other wizard had guessed about his ability as a Legilimens, or if he too did not want the face to face contact, but at least the... fake familiarity of their face to face encounter of almost 20 years previously had not been repeated. For this he was grateful, even as Black insisted on sex in his own bed, and even on Severus remaining for a while afterwards. Black would sometimes fall asleep but Severus never would, he'd wait a while 'til Black's breathing calmed and would slip out of the room before making his way back to Hogwarts.

One evening, he stook in front of the rumpled bed and looked down at Sirius Black's naked body. The man was a far cry from the boy of 20 years ago and Severus was surprised at the pang of regret he felt, it was like looking at something that had been perfect, but now was almost destroyed. Not quite, but almost. The skin was still soft, like Regulus' has been, but it was marked by scars and very very pale. He remembered how Sirius Black's beauty had made him so powerful in Severus' eyes and he swallowed, realising for the first time that this was perhaps the only man who'd lost as much as Severus had, in this two generational struggle that was not over yet. He leaned over and pulled the duvet up over Black's sleeping form and left quietly.

\----- ∞ -----

All Malfoy had wanted to talk about during the meeting with Voldemort had been his and Narcissa's annual Christmas party. The ones who'd been invited were smiling smugly, the ones who'd not been were trying to pretend they didn't care. Serverus, who'd been invited, was trying to figure out what was going on. The stray comment, the errant question made his suspicious that something major was being planned and he was being kept out of it. This rankled and worried him.

After the meeting, Voldemort and Lucius sat by the fire, speaking quietly and Serverus tried to hang around, but Peter Pettigrew had different ideas and MacNair as well, both of them disgruntled at not having been on the Malfoys' invitation list.

He was able to determine that early January was the time frame in question, at least.

He showed up at Grimmauld Place to check up on Black in a worse mood than usual. Black had been drinking and was sitting in the dark kitchen. Severus had expected something like that: Lupin, he knew, had left a few days prior.

He ignored Kreacher, as he always did. There was no point in engaging the house-elf, who went on a disgusted diatribe as Severus tiredly followed Black upstairs.

"What would you like?" he asked. He didn't bother to negotiate but hoped that Sirius Black would just want to be sucked off. MacNair was brutal and he was in much pain.

He sighed at Black's response and slowly toed off his boots and carefully folded his trousers and underpants. Black was sitting on the other side of the bed, staring out the window, but motioned to Severus to lie down.

Severus suppressed the rage and disgust and did as he was bid. As he'd learned to do almost thirty years before, as a small boy, he let his mind go blank and just hoped it would not be too painful.

"What the fuck?" shouted Sirius Black, bringing Severus back to the present, to his right leg pulled up, his exposed arse. He turned to look at Black who was staring at his hand. Specifically, who was staring at the blood on his hand in horror.

Black's eyes were wide and Severus was surprised at this expression of dismay. He shrugged and said: "MacNair and Pettigrew."

A strangled noise escaped Sirius Black's mouth: "Pettigrew? Pettigrew is your lover?"

Severus' laugh was bitter. "Lover? Only in as much as you are, or my father, Lucius Malfoy, Potter, your brother, MacNair, Avery and a few others I can't remember right now."

Black looked confused.

Severus continued, desperately hoping his voice would not tremble, saying the word for the first time in his life: "The word you want is rapist, Black. That's what the lot of you are. Rapists."

Black's jaw dropped, and the look of confusion was replaced by something Severus could not quite place... guilt? Disgust?

"You consented. I didn't drag you up here!"

Severus' laugh was mirthless: "That's right! I consented. Blackmail and free will are quite the same thing in your world I see."

When Sirius Black lunged at him, he pushed him away and the other man hit the floor, landing on his arse. Severus stood and got dressed.

His voice was contemptuous: "You're drunk anyhow. Get a grip, Black, and face reality. You've been raping me for the past three months, like you did when we were at school. You're not the only one, and yes, I'll admit, I'm buying your silence... but if you think for one moment that this is consensual... well, I guess you're more delusional than we all thought."

He turned and left the room, hearing Black's furious splutters behind him. He felt sick to his stomach, sure that Potter and the rest of them would hear the pathetic tale of how Severus loved Lily with the plum pudding on Christmas Day.

\----- ∞ -----

"Occlumency?" He could not hide the horror this idea engendered.

\----- ∞ -----

Black didn't tell. Potter would not be acting the way he did, when Severus told him that he'd be learning with him Occlumency if he'd known. The boy would have used his new weapon again him. Severus could not believe the relief he felt. Safe for a while longer. Being on his knees in front of Black was bad, but nothing like the gut-wrenching apprehension of facing classrooms filled with children who knew his deepest, most secret, feelings.

Of course that didn't stop him from calling Black a coward.

\----- ∞ -----

He found out the news from the Daily Prophet along with everyone else. He'd known, and had told Dumbledore, that there was something planned but he'd never gotten any details. He'd failed. The humiliation was overwhelming. It would have been better if Dumbledore had yelled at him, had shown anger, but his disappointment in Severus was tangible. The pain from that was intense.

He was summoned to Malfoy Manor to partake in the celebrations and, after telling Dumbledore, went. It was sickening. Bellatrix Lestrange, looking gaunt and not unlike her cousin these days, immediately took him on and he had to carefully restrain himself.

Fenrir Greyback caught him as he was about to slip away. While Pettigrew watched, Greyback slammed him against a wall in the Malfoy foyer and took him with a brutality that would have stunned even MacNair. Greyback left a parting gift, a bite on Severus' shoulder that hurt like hell and he knew would take a long time to heal because werewolf bites did. He tamped down his fear at becoming a werewolf, reminding himself over and over that it was not a full moon.

He didn't go to see Sirius Black that evening. He couldn't cope. Instead, he went back to Hogwarts and cleaned his wound as best he could. He sat for a long time, staring at the fire, mulling over the total failure that was his life.

\----- ∞ -----

Severus felt worse and worse as the week went on. He knew the bite of Greyback's was getting infected, that he was getting sick. He took potions to try to reduce the fever, halt the infection.

Friday evening, he was called to the Dark Lord's side. Bellatrix had some questions, which he did his best to answer without saying anything. Outside, he realised he would not be able to walk back from Hogsmeade to Hogwarts. Shivering, both from fever and the cold, he Apparated to Grimmauld Place, loathe to beg hospitality of Sirius Black, but unable to think of anything else to do.

He banged at the door. He'd tried to open it, but he was unable to get a grip on the knob. He stood in the dark cold night, thinking that maybe, just maybe, death would come as a kindness, like sinking.

He heard, he thought, Sirius Black's gasp of horror and felt himself being dragged up the stairs... bliss... a bed. Sleep, or unconsciousness, it didn't matter, really....

He was woken by searing pain. Sirius Black was attempting to undress him, he realised, and the wound on his shoulder had reopened. He screamed, he thought, though Black would tell him later he'd only ever whimpered.

He could hear Black speaking to someone, very controlled panic in his voice. He managed to open an eye and saw that it was Phineas Nigellus' portrait and he was promising to get Albus there as soon as Umbridge left his office.

Warm cloths on his shoulder, cool cloths on his forehead. He closed his eyes again.

He had no idea how long it lasted, he was fading in and out. He heard the Headmaster, Phineas, but most of all, Sirius Black. It was Black's voice that anchored him to life when he felt himself slipping away once, and saw, far away, in the distance, a slim form he knew was Lily. But Black called him and he crawled back, knowing he still had things to do, to accomplish.

\----- ∞ -----

He was floating, he was warm, he was safe. He was protected and at peace, for the first time in his life. He was being held, not in hatred, but for comfort. He drifted, safe.

\----- ∞ -----

He awoke in Sirius Black's bed, alone, horrified at how exhausted and weak he felt. Black was sitting on a chair nearby, and didn't look like he'd had much sleep. Severus tried to move, but everything hurt.

"Don't move. Albus will be here in a while to take a look at your shoulder."

He nodded. "... how long... what time?..." His voice cracked.

Black got a glass of water from the bedside table, and to Snape's shame, he needed the other man to help him drink. Cool water.

He looked at Black, and the other man answered: "you showed up last night, you were totally out of it for about 12 hours... it's Saturday afternoon."

He nodded slowly.

"How long had you been sick?"

Severus shook his head, trying to clear the cobwebs... How long had it been? The fever and chills and pain had started almost immediately. "Probably since Wednesday, I think. I don't remember much of... Friday."

Black stood up. "Let me get you some tea and toast. It'll help you feel better."

Sirius Black, solicitous and gentle. Severus shook his head again.

And a realisation hit him like a ton of dragon droppings. Black, over the past few months, wanting him to stay after sex. Black wanting him on the bed, falling asleep with him later.

The man was craving human contact. Black had been using him... but the sex had been an excuse.

He sat in silence until Black came back.

Eating was painful. He remembered eating breakfast on Wednesday, but not after then.

Tea, which Black gave him tepid and much sweeter than Severus usually took it.

They didn't talk much, but for the first time between them the silence was easy.

Dumbledore walked in a while later. With Black's help, he cleaned the wound, gave Severus some more potions that the man recognised: he'd brewed them. Dumbledore was grave and matter of fact.

"Now, Severus, I want you to stay here tonight. Tomorrow, I'll have Hagrid meet you at the Hog's Head, he'll walk back up to the castle with you. Rest."

Severus nodded and the Headmaster turned to Black: "Thank you, Sirius. You have been enormously helpful."

Black didn't say anything, but he did nod and mumbled something that to Severus sounded like "... least I could do..."

"And now I must leave. Dolores will be waiting for me for an after-dinner chat, I told her my old body needed a quick toes-up before seeing her." He smiled cheerfully. "If there is anything, Sirius, have Phineas contact me."

He paused at the doorway and turned back towards Severus: "And Severus? Next time try to be more circumspect in your choice of lovers."

This pain would kill him, he thought. He could see Sirius Black's stricken face and could hear a rasping sound, but it took several seconds before he realised that it was his own breathing. Time slowed to a crawl as he felt the wave of agony crest...

He flew out of bed, to the bathroom and made it to the toilet in time to throw up everything he'd ingested, water, tea, toast, potions. Bile ripped at his throat, and as he fell back again the wall, cold and empty of everything but pain, he wished for death, unconsciousness, oblivion.

What he got was a warm washcloth on his forehead, followed by a tumbler of water. A strong arm around him, next, helping him stand and helping him back to bed.

The duvet pulled up around his cold naked body and then a man in bed with him, holding him close. He cried then, not caring that it was Sirius Black hearing him, Sirius Black holding him, Sirius Black running his fingers through his hair and keeping him safe like nobody else ever had.

\----- ∞ -----

  
  
His first awareness the next morning was of two erections. Sirius Black's pressed against the crack of his arse, and his own, for the first time in many years. He'd not taken his potion in at least....three days, he thought.

He tried to quell the panic that threatened to engulf him. He could not... if Black realised... He started to tremble, tried to sit up, but was immediately overwhelmed with a wave of nausea that left him breathless. He fell back onto the bed, a cold sweat breaking out all over his body.

He heard and felt Black get up, prepare a potion. He helped Severus sit up and helped him drink. How galling to need help, he thought, drinking down the bitter liquid... The dry heaves slowly subsided, and slowly opened his eyes again and sat up, pushing his pillow behind him and wincing slightly at the soreness in his shoulder. Better, though.

He turned to look at Black, who was sitting next to him, naked as well. He blushed.

Black was staring at his hands and when he spoke, his voice was hollow: "He had to say that... he has to pretend. If he doesn't he has to admit that he knows what he's really asking of you... and he doesn't want to deal with that."

Severus stared at his own hands and slowly nodded. It made sense, he supposed. Yet the wound remained, painful and... gaping. And Sirius Black understanding? Sirius Black trying to make him feel better?

Maybe he should have been surprised when Black slowly guided him back down onto the pillows and pulled him close, but he wasn't. He felt Black's warm breath at the nape of his neck and his arms around his chest. Surreal, but so very real.

"When did it start? Who started?" asked Black quietly.

He'd never told, nobody had ever asked. He took a shallow breath, that was all he could manage and pulled a pillow closer, to hold on to.

"My father. I don't remember how old I was, it'd been happening as long as I can remember."

"Ah."

"He told me not to tell... like I'd ever tell anyone what he was doing. It was... horrific. I bled."

He noticed that Sirius Black was running a hand from his shoulder, down his arm. Comfort. He remembered his conclusion of the day before, that Black was desperate for human contact. For the first time in his life, Severus felt that touching was... nice.

"Did you ever say anything to anyone?"

"I tried to tell my mother but...."

Suddenly the words spilled out of him, telling his mother, never ever telling Lily, the thought of escaping to school. Learning small curses to protect himself, being beaten. He told Black of his father threatening Lily, of his use of the Flaying curse, of the hearing and Malfoy. He told him how Malfoy then used him and let others as well, how when he left school Malfoy had passed on the damaging into to... Re... someone. He told, slowly, painfully of taking the Dark Mark and how the Dark Lord's favour had kept his safe from the Slytherins from then on out. Potter and Black himself, he did not mention.

In the warm bed, held close, he told everything. The Prophecy, Lily, his guilt, Dumbledore's reaction. He told of his promise, to do "Anything!", of his desire for death when Lily was killed. Of the following years, blessedly alone, hoping that perhaps he was making a friend in Dumbledore, or at least one person who didn't loathe him.

Then going back to the Death Eaters, after the Dark Lord's return, no longer under his protection, being used by them over and over. He was able to keep his voice steady when he told Black of Dumbledore's revulsion but he knew Black understood the depth of his pain, because the arms around him tightened.

His voice trailed off. He didn't want to speak of submitting to Black himself, possibly didn't want to talk about what he knew Black really wanted.

"And James?" The voice was soft and Severus knew the other wizard wanted an answer.

He sighed. "He said... since I owed him a life debt, that he owned me. It was not... never... He just wanted someone to fuck and I was there. He'd talk about Lily...."

He felt the anguish radiating from Sirius Black, and he flipped over to face the other man. There were tears in the grey eyes and Severus to his own shock, embraced Sirius Black, and they were holding each other, two desperate men, two drowning men trying to help each other.

Sharing warmth, comfort, breath.

Seconds later he cringed when he realised that that was not the only thing they were sharing. He felt his cock brush Sirius Black's and he gasped, utterly unprepared for the effect it would have on him.

Nothing in his life had ever felt that good. He hadn't even known that his body was capable of this... thrilling sensation. He wanted one thing at that second, and this desire too was new.

He was trembling, and felt himself blush. Shame.

He took a shallow breath, tried to will his erection away. He slowly looked up, needing, why he was not sure, to meet Sirius Black's eyes, expecting the same mocking triumph he'd seen in his brother's all those years ago.

What he saw instead he could not identify, but it was soft, and somehow joyful. Sirius Black smiled at him and his voice was gentle: "Now this is something new...."

Severus dropped his eyes. He knew he needed to explain. He did, slowly, haltingly: "I... usually... brew, take a potion..."

"A potion?" asked Black, when the silence had lasted a breath too long.

Severus nodded: "To prevent me from... feeling pleasure. From... ummm... getting.... ummm..."

He groaned internally. He despised being tongue tied and stuttering.

Black finished for him: "Hard? Why...?"

Then: "... Oh.... Oh...."

He heard Black swallow, then the man asked, his voice still gentle: "Did you ever...?"

Severus closed his eyes and nodded. "Once."

"Oh.... Oh Merlin, that must have been...."

Severus nodded again, remembering. The taunts, the triumph, the come smeared on his face and hair, but also, incongruously, Regulus Black's soft hair and skin, so very like his brother's.

He looked at Black, quickly. The other man was biting his lip.

"Was it Regulus?" Black's voice was steady, and Severus tensed. He didn't know what to say.

Very slowly, he nodded. To his surprise, Black's arm pulled him closer and his voice was little more than a whisper when he started to speak.

"I thought so... you said he'd been one of your... rapists, that night, before Christmas... but you didn't mention him this morning, and in some ways it makes sense that Malfoy would have passed the information on to someone who was about to become family..."

Black was slipping into his pain, Severus could see that. He hadn't wanted to hurt. He leaned in to touch his forehead to Black's, and he moved in closer. They were body to body, hard cocks touching, but neither moved, each dealing with their own, and the other's, pain. This was not a time for sex, but one for comfort and this they could both give.

It was much later that they finally got up. Sirius pulled on a robe and watched at Severus carefully did up the myriad of small buttons on his robe, carefully putting the armour back on. Silent, they went downstairs, ate, neither talking, neither wanting to acknowledge the change in their relationship.

In the drawing room, they sat by the fire with a bottle of Firewhisky and talked, not about personal things, but about growing up, Lily and James, about Hogwarts and pranks. About the Dark Lord and about the war and Harry.

Severus was surprised when he looked at his watch and saw that it was almost time for him to leave. It had been... a safe, calm afternoon, unlike any he'd ever spent before... at least... not since he'd spent afternoons in the little park not far from his home with Lily. He stood reluctantly, and saw the same reluctance in Black.

"Sn... Severus?" The tone was hesitant.

He looked up from fastening his cloak.

"I want you to know... I... I won't tell Harry, or anyone, ever. About you and Lily. I'm... I'm sorry. What I did.... was... is... inexcusable." He took a deep breath. "I won't rape you again."

Severus gave him the briefest of nods and Black continued: "And Severus... there is no reason not to... resist the others."

Severus felt his gut wrench. He'd told Sirius Black about them, but he didn't want to talk about it. In the bed, with both of them naked... that was one thing. Here, in the hallway, it felt... different.

"I have no power, no influence,” he said finally, quietly. "I'm not in a position to refuse anything to any of them."

But Black shook his head: "Try it. You are more... together... than you think. Voldemort..." Severus flinched, "may not be as pleased as he ever was with you... but I think that with those people... if you do not impose yourself, they'll impose on you."

Severus nodded slowly. What could it hurt?

Black took one step closer to him. They were mere inches apart and Black gently tipped Severus' chin up, and grey eyes met black.

"Say 'no'" he breathed, but Severus couldn't. He closed his eyes for a moment then whispered: "Yes. Please, yes."

Sirius Black's voice was more of a groan when he said: "You were supposed to say 'no'!" and his mouth was on Severus'.

His brain shut down pretty much entirely, leaving him a creature of sensation, of beautiful, rich, overlayed sensation.

Black's lips on his, soft, warm, Black's breath, the smell of Firewhisky and the stewed apples they'd eaten for lunch. His hand on Severus' back, under his cloak, pulling him in. The incredible feeling of their clothed cocks touching, rubbing.

But more than anything, the overwhelming intimacy of the kiss.

Lips to lips, and he'd never thought that just a kiss could make him so hard so quickly, but there it was and he felt dizzy and held on to Black's shoulders. Then... Black's tongue nudging gently, at first, and Severus couldn't think of a good reason not to open his mouth to it and he'd always thought that tongues touching would be rather disgusting, but it wasn't, it was warm, and rough, and firm, and sent shivers all through him. He felt Black explore his mouth, and he thought he was going to pass out when the other wizard gentled the kiss, and concentrated on his lips again, small, sweet kisses that Severus hoped would never stop.

Black's fingers were running through his hair, he felt their warmth, Black was pulling him in closer, they were rubbing together, and Severus felt his breath catch. He heard Black moan and felt his tongue again.

He said the name for the first time and it was a caress, a plea and a question: "Sirius..." he murmured, "Sirius."

It was Kreacher who brought them both back to reality, in his most horrid manner, appearing next to them, bemoaning what they were doing. Severus sprang back, ashamed of his desire and Black's eyes seemed to focus.

They shook hands formally, and Severus thanked the other man, who shrugged.

"Good bye, Black,” he said stiffly and he turned on his heel and left, quickly, before he could stop to consider if there was another way. He didn't leave time for Black to respond and didn't know if he did.

\----- ∞ -----

Somehow he could not get Sirius Black out of his mind. He kept on reminding himself that it was just an infatuation, but there he was, in class, thinking of Black's soft hair, and grey eyes. At dinner, wondering what he was eating. In his bed, alone, wondering how he was doing, knowing that the other man had... valued the companionship, however unwillingly given, that Severus had provided.

The Dark Lord summoned him on Friday evening. He answered questions, harmless ones, dodged Bellatrix's attempts at Legilimency. As he was leaving, Malfoy tried to waylay him. Severus took a deep breath and snarled: "Get lost, Lucius!" and to his surprise, Malfoy backed off. Severus left, unchallenged, new confidence in his step.

He did not stop at Grimmauld Place.

\----- ∞ -----

He was marking papers in his office the following afternoon when Dumbledore knocked and came in.

"Severus. If you are able, we need get to Grimmauld Place tonight. Just you and me, Minerva will be... ummm... having tea with Dolores."

Severus rolled his eyes.

"Molly is bringing dinner."

Severus shrugged. He never ate with them anyhow. When they asked him, it was easy to tell that they hoped he'd say no, and he didn't really want to impose himself that way.

"I've told Dolores that you and I are going down to Hogsmeade for a pint of butterbeer,” said the Headmaster, standing.

Severus nodded.

"Is your shoulder better?" asked Dumbledore, from the doorway.

Severus tensed. He was expecting something, an insult, an offhand comment that would rip him to shreds. He nodded and the Headmaster did too, and he left after saying they'd meet at 6 in the Entrance Hall.

\----- ∞ -----

Kingsley had requested the meeting, to discuss Bode's murder. He spoke, grave as always. Dumbledore, Moody and Lupin responded and suggested and planned. Molly Weasley hopped up and down, stirring her beef stew, Arthur Weasley dozed on and off. Sirius Black sat staring at the flagstone floor and never said a word and Nymphadora Tonks gazed at Remus Lupin in a way that made Severus want to scream. He himself sat, staring at the fire, silent and trying to make a decision that could change his life.

\----- ∞ -----

Things were winding down, but nobody could seem to finish up. Lupin and and Arthur Weasley gazed longingly at the pot of beef stew and even Tonks sniffed once or twice. Black was still staring at the floor and Kingsley was droning on.

Severus stood. "May I leave, Headmaster? I think we have gotten everything we can from this particular session?"

He saw the others start at his rudeness, but didn't care. At Dumbledore's nod, he went upstairs, opened the door, slammed it and quietly walked up to Black's bedroom, let himself in and shut the door, his heart pounding fiercely.

He sat in the dark, at the window, staring outside into the winter night. He had to be totally out of his mind, to be here. And yet... there was nowhere else he wanted to be more. He wasn't sure how or why, but he and Black had, wordlessly, reached a fork in the road. And rather than the old, familiar path, Severus wanted to take the new one, possibly fraught with danger... but maybe with something else.

It was over an hour later before he heard voices from the downstairs hallway, the front door slam several times. He tensed.

The door to the bedroom opened and Black tiredly cast a spell for the lights.

The two men stared at each other and Severus could tell that Black was trembling as badly as he was.

"I should have..." he started, but his throat caught. He swallowed and started again: "I should have been naked and waiting for you, lounging on the bed."

Sirius Black laughed. Laughing with him, not at him. He face had a slightly predatory look as he crossed the room to stand in front of Severus, but his voice was soft: "No. I want to do... this."

This turned out to be undressing Severus, who stood very still as the warm fingers worked at the buttons under his neck and down, his cuffs. Black pushed the robe off of Severus' shoulders and to the floor. He turned to pull down the duvet and cast an Incendio and Severus toed off his shoes and socks.

Black guided him down onto the bed, pillows behind him and sat down next to him. His fingers were at the waistband of his shorts and Severus lifted his hips enough to allow him to pull them down, carefully over the erect cock hidden under.

He looked up at Black and their eyes held.

"Whatever you want,” said the other man.

Severus blinked slowly. "You. I... don't know."

Black whispered: "If you want me to stop... just say so. Tell me."

Severus nodded and let himself fall back slightly onto the pillows. Black knelt between his legs and slowly pushed apart his knees. He smiled at him, then bent his head and slowly, deliberately, with no haste, he took Severus' cock in his mouth.

He felt Black's mouth, warm and wet, his tongue, running up and down, and the incredible suction, and he could not suppress a whimper, of both pleasure and surprise. He felt Black's hands travel up his chest, one of them staying on his shoulder, the other at his chest and with deft fingers, Black started to gently play with his nipples.

Severus hadn't known that his nipples were sensitive. He moaned.

He regained enough control of his hands to put one on Black's -Sirius'- head, gently, while the other grabbed the sheets and held on, his only link to grounded reality.

Little good it did him, as Black's hands seemed to be everywhere, his chest, his balls, his nipples. Warm and soft and so sure of themselves, they roamed, leaving trails of thrilling fire in their wake.

"Siri... us... move. I can't... I'm going..."

And he held on to the other man, as waves of pleasure crested and broke and he came in Sirius Black's mouth.

He had no idea how long he was under water, but when he surfaced, his whole body still tingling, it was to look up into grey eyes that looked down on him in a way he'd not experienced since Lily: with... tenderness. He reached up and pulled the other wizard down for a kiss.

A kiss. This was perhaps somewhat of an understatement. It was a myriad of kisses that took him from dazed post orgasmic bliss to a warm, lazy kinda place, to something more urgent, as he hardened again and pressed himself against his lover.

As he undid the buttons of Black's robe, he realised that that was what they were: lovers. That was the difference that consent made.

Black handed him the lubricant that he'd always used on Severus, and Severus was reminded that of all of them, Black had been the only one who'd always refrained from hurting him. He handed the vial back and flipped onto his stomach, his right knee pulled up to his chest, the invitation clear.

"Are you sure?"

He nodded.

He controlled his breath, trying to remain calm, not quite as sure as he'd like to be, but wanting, before anything more happened, to exorcise this demon. He felt Sirius' fingers, warm and slippery, in his crack, felt as one circled his hole, gently, then with slightly more pressure. He willed himself to relax and Sirius lay down next to him, his fingers still probing, but not yet penetrating. Severus could feel Sirius' cock, hard and leaking, against his thigh and he shuddered with anticipation.

"All right?" whispered Sirius, and Severus nodded again, not trusting his voice.

He could feel Sirius' breath at the nape of his neck, and he thrilled at each puff, then Sirius leaned in closer and kissed him, his neck, behind his ears, his shoulder. Severus turned his head as their lips met again and Sirius' tongue was in his mouth, exploring and Severus knew it was going to be fine and murmured: "Go ahead."

He felt the nod, and the kiss deepened and he tensed as Sirius' finger breeched the tight ring of muscle, slow and gentle, but wonderfully purposeful. Taking his time, Sirius stretched and lubricated, and made sure his kisses took Severus' mind off of any discomfort.

He slid his finger in further and angled upward. Severus cried out, wordlessly, his body tensing then relaxing in a groan that made Sirius tingle. Severus had just caught his breath when Sirius, a slightly wicked smile on his face, did it again.

"Siri... Sirius... oh Merlin... Sirius... oh..." He knew he was babbling but he had no idea how to stop. When Sirius started to suck on his earlobe, he was reduced to as close to incoherence as he'd ever been in his life: "Merlin... oh... yes, there... oh... oh... please... Sirius... oh!" His hands grabbing at the sheets, he lifted his arse up to Sirius' fingers. Nothing had ever felt this good.

"Please, now. Please..." he finally begged, knowing he was ready, knowing what he wanted.

"Severus... can you flip on your back? I want to see you? Please..." panted Sirius, and he turned over and grey eyes and black met and held and though Severus didn't even try to, he was overwhelmed with images from Black's mind, images of lust and... him. Not James Potter. Him, Severus, in Black's arm. Something lurched in his chest and he smiled and opened his legs and pulled Sirius Black down and circled his waist with his legs.

He felt Black's cock at his entrance and it was different from every other time, because he wanted this, he wanted this so much. He could tell Sirius was holding back, taking things slowly, keeping himself under tight control.

He thought he'd never felt anything so wonderful when Sirius Black was finally totally sheathed inside of him, he was warm, filled, and eager. He lifted his hips and moved slightly and Sirius groaned and Severus said: "Come on. We can do this."

The intensity of pleasure was shocking, but so was the intimacy of the connection, as he held onto Sirius and they learned to move together.

Neither lasted long. Sirius' breath was quickly coming in pants, as he pounded into Severus, hitting his prostate over and over, causing him to jerk each time. Pleasure beyond words.

Sirius, balancing on one arm, reached down and grabbed Severus' cock and pulled at it a few times and Severus knew he was going to come and he did, spraying both of them, his cock pulsing in Sirius' hand, and Sirius groaned and thrust hard, harder than before a few more times and his groan of pleasure filled the room and he collapsed and neither moved for a very long time.

He slipped out of the room, leaving a sleeping Sirius Black behind him, and elated in a way he'd never been before, he returned to Hogwarts.

\----- ∞ -----

Reckless, he'd realise later, was what his behaviour ended up being over the next few months. He's wake up, after, in a cold sweat in the middle of the night when he counted up how many risks they'd taken, how much they'd put in jeopardy.

At the time, though, he'd been... obsessed with Sirius Black... they'd both been with each other, actually, he thought.

He realised the irony of it all as he mocked Potter's emotions, and explained why rationality was superior... all the while he, Severus, was throwing caution to the wind for reason he was not even quite sure of, but that he knew were far from reason.

Severus sneaked out of the school every evening he could, using various passageways... Sirius had suggested he ask Harry to borrow the Marauder's Map and Severus had scowled at him, but together they'd quickly drawn up a less fancy one that worked as well. He used Disillusionment charms and relied on old fashioned cunning and stealth. He never got caught, and was able to get to Grimmauld Place most evenings.

On the other hand, he was exhausted. Classes all day, and avoiding Umbridge was also a full time job, Order business, the Dark Lord's calls. He was teetering on the edge of collapse, he knew, several weeks into his affair with Sirius. His fatigue made him sharper and more nasty than ever towards students and he didn't even have the energy to care.

But the sex was... wonderful. They explored and learned each other. Finding out that Sirius Black was ticklish was a discovery that thrilled Severus to no end, and fucking him for the first time, though admittedly too fast, was exhilarating. Figuring out how to jerk each other off, realising how close to orgasm he could get with Sirius just sucking his nipples. And for the first time, sucking someone off when he wanted to... the smell, the taste, the... feel of Sirius' cock in his mouth had him hard and leaking and close to coming himself. The joy of pleasuring his lover was indescriptable.

\----- ∞ -----

"He's not learning, Headmaster. He does not want to learn, he does not trust me and thinks that I am trying to help the Dark Lord."

\----- ∞ -----

"I can't teach someone who doesn't want to learn, Black!" he protested. This led to a -rare now- fight, and Severus left back to Hogwarts, sexually frustrated, which was bad, but feeling lonely and empty, which was so much worse. Even though he got some sleep.

He took a record number of points off of students the next day.

They made up that night, both apologising, both contrite and horny.

\----- ∞ -----

They used a variant on the Protean Charm to check up on each other: a slate tablet, like the ones used years ago by Muggle children. Each had one and writing on one would appear on the other. This allowed them to set times for meeting or, when they couldn't, to set up a time to send their respective Patronuses back and forth, with increasingly racy messages.

\----- ∞ -----

Severus thought he would die if caught when, during an Order meeting, Sirius, who was across the table from him, placed his foot in Severus' crotch and rubbed. The meeting broke up before he came, to his relief, and by sheer luck he was able to quickly make it up to Sirius Black's bedroom where he was quickly rejoined by his lover and they tore at each other's clothes, and, Sirius' back pressed to the wall, rubbed each other, kissing deeply, 'til they both came, then both sank to the floor, spent and laughing.

\----- ∞ -----

In some ways, the best part of all was sleeping with Sirius Black. Severus was almost ashamed to admit how safe it made him feel, how happy. Falling asleep cradled in his arms, waking up the same way was an unexpected gift life was giving him and he had had a harsh enough life to recognise it for what it was.

\----- ∞ -----

Dumbledore left the school and Umbridge took over. Severus was busy discretely opposing her. He'd suggested being more forceful about it, but Dumbledore had disagreed and asked him to lie low for the school. That was always Dumbledore's first thought, the children and Hogwarts and he counted on Severus, and to a lesser extent Minerva, to do what it took to protect them. So he gritted his teeth and smiled at the old bat and pretended to go along with her schemes.

It meant that Severus could spend less time with Sirius and that was hard. They managed, though, and it made, Severus though, the time they did have together all the more sweet.

\----- ∞ -----

He hadn't been in a horrid mood at the start of the Occlumency lesson that evening, really. He was tired having spent most of the previous night alternately having sex with Sirius and telling about the Weasley twins' fireworks and the fits they'd caused Umbridge. It had been a good evening and Severus somehow felt that he and Sirius were reaching another fork in the path of their relationship and it filled him with both fear and happiness. He thought he might... care about Sirius.

And then...

Potter had broken into the Pensieve and seen the memories. Rage was his first reaction, but eventually he got the boy out of his office and he locked the door and sat at his desk and the tears came. Lily. Oh Merlin, Lily!

The humiliation was extreme. That Potter knew what his father had done, knew what Severus had called his mother.

Rage and pain, intermingled and feeding on each other. And above all, shame. Shame at the young man he'd been, at how badly he'd erred.

Black's notes on the slate went unanswered that night. And the next and the one after that. It was the Easter Holidays and at least Severus didn't have to face Potter, and he knew he could not face Black.

He knew what he was doing: retreating back into himself. He knew that that was not what people who... cared about each other were supposed to do: he'd heard the "communicate, communicate, communicate" mantra, but he couldn't. He ignored Sirius Black, knowing that there was nothing the man could do about it and it hurt, but the thought of Sirius remembering him again as he'd been back then was worse. He'd remember Severus calling beautiful, wonderful Lily a Mudblood and he'd hate him and probably want him to leave anyhow, so it was, really, easier to spare them both the breakup and let whatever there had been between them fade away.

He spent most of the holidays as drunk as he could allow himself to be. He went to one Order meeting at Grimmauld Place and he saw Dumbledore and Molly's noses twitch when he was near them, but Sirius Black was drop dead drunk and they were more concerned about him.

It hurt. It hurt so bad.

\----- ∞ -----

School started and he had to face Potter for the first time since... well... since.

\----- ∞ -----

Fred and George Weasley left the school and left a swamp behind them. Dolores Umbridge was furious and, pathetic witch that she was, was unable to get rid of it. Severus knew he could have, with little effort, and Minerva or Flitwick as well, but, as with the fireworks for a few weeks previously, it was much too fun to not to help and just let her rage.

He remembered with a pang how much fun it had been to tell Siri... Black about the previous incident. Nothing like that tonight, he reflected, pouring himself a glass of Firewhisky and totally ignoring the frantic writing on the slate. He needed to get rid of that. He needed to brew the Ahedonia potion. He needed to...

\----- ∞ -----

Someone at the door. Probably Filch, to complain about a student. He went to open and... Padfoot trotted in, quickly transforming back into Sirius Black.

There was no horror or mockery on Black's face. Nothing but pure tenderness and understanding. He closed the distance between him and Severus and took the slighter wizard in his arm, pulling him close.

They stood for a long time, until Severus remembered the door and went to close and ward it. Then he turned back to Sirius who was looking at him gravely.

"I missed you," said Sirius softly and Severus felt something snap inside of him and he... oh Merlin, he couldn't... yes, he could, he burrowed his face into Sirius' neck and held on and let the other man's arms circle him, and he was safe and protected.

He was trembling and Sirius was as well.

"Can we go to bed?" Sirius murmured. "I need to talk to you."

Severus nodded, those strange bands around his chest getting tighter and tighter.

Sirius started to speak, as they lay spooned together, Severus inhaling the scent of the nape of Sirius' neck, a different scent from usual, probably due to his recent transformation into Padfoot.

"Harry talked to Remus and me this afternoon," said Sirius, his voice quiet.

Severus tensed. It was bound to come now. He felt Sirius curl up tighter, as if he too were in pain.

"I'm sorry," murmured Sirius. "I'm so fucking sorry. James... and me, we were... were horrid..."

"No, I...."

"See, I really did think it was really your fault, you know, even though I'm not sure why... but then Harry talked to us and he was... oh Merlin! He was disgusted with his dad and me. Thinks you are right, that we were arrogant jerks. And after talking to him, I kinda... realised that... well..."

He flipped over. "Can you ever forgive me?"

Severus' eyes widened. Whatever he'd expected, this wasn't it.

"It was bad enough, what we did, exposing you... but knowing what I know now... and James was already... I'm so so sorry...."

They talked, they worked through the old pain, the old hatred. Severus felt the bands around his chest loosen until they were gone and he and Sirius were holding each other.

Sirius was hesitating and he said: "Two things, all right?"

Severus nodded and his lover took a deep breath: "This summer? You and I are coming clean on this... affair..." Severus pulled back to look at the other wizard and the grey eyes met his calmly. "No, we are. We're telling. I can't say I'm happy that you've stopped teaching Harry Occlumency, but yeah, I can see that it wasn't going anywhere. But I want the two of you to... start building a relationship..." Severus opened his mouth to protest and Sirius put a finger on his lips. "No, sssshh. Listen. Harry is... more his mother's son than you think. I was a promise from you that this summer, you and I will start mending those bridges... Do you think you can do it?"

Severus closed his eyes. Lily's son, Harry Potter, James' son. Could he? He shrugged. Did he want to flaunt his affair with Black to the world? He didn't know.

Sirius leaned over and kissed the tip of Snape's long nose. "Think about it. We've got a few weeks to deal with details."

Snape nodded: "I will,” he said.

"And something else?"

"Mmmm?"

"Lily?"

Snape tensed. "Yes?" he asked warily.

"She didn't hate you, you know... she always defended you, to the very end. I didn't quite realise what was going on, but I know she told me, just a few days before... well, before, that she hoped you were doing all right."

Snape bit his lip and they were holding each other, Sirius talking about how stupid he'd been, persuading James and Lily to trust Peter, thinking he could outwit Voldemort, Severus talking about going to Dumbledore and each telling the other that they had to move on and get rid of the hurt. Catharsis.

Sirius Black whined half the night... the bed was too small, the mattress too thin and really, a duvet was better than the crummy blankets, especially down in the dungeons. Severus laughed at him, and accused him of being spoiled. Later, by necessity as well as choice, they lay pressed together before sleep, Sirius whispered in Severus' ear that, really, it didn't make a difference, that he'd happily sleep anywhere, on anything, as long as Severus was the anyone with him. Severus laughed and remembered to tell him about the Weasley's Swamp.

\----- ∞ -----

They used the map they'd created to get Sirius safety out of Hogwarts the next morning, to the passage that led to the Shrieking Shack.

"No, we cannot stop and see the Swamp!"

"Oh come on! The Disillusionment charm is pretty good, and it's four in the morning and..."

"If Filch or Mrs Norris.... Or worse, Peeves..."

They went, of course, Severus rolling his eyes at the extra risk, but in the end, powerless to stop Sirius Black.

\----- ∞ -----

"You won't ignore me again, will you?"

"If you promise not to do anything as stupid as this..." Sirius silenced the protest with a kiss.

\----- ∞ -----

He showed up at Grimmauld Place late one evening, troubled and nervous. He was, if he was honest with himself, hoping for a glass of Firewhisky, and a good fuck. He wanted to be pounded into the mattress, pounded into oblivion, so he could forget Bellatrix and her shrill, nasty, crazy voice.

His hopes were dashed when he walked into the drawing room and found Remus Lupin and Albus Dumbledore there with Black.

He tried to make a quick escape, clearly stating that since Dumbledore and Lupin were there, there was no need for him to check up on Black but Dumbledore was in a genial mood and quickly handed Severus the desired glass of Firewhisky.

They were all talking about Quidditch. His eyes glazed over. He'd met with Dumbledore three days before that, to discuss the school, Umbridge and Death Eater plans, but had little to add.

"... What?" he asked.

"The Quidditch Cup, Severus?" smiled Dumbledore.

He rolled his eyes and stood. There would be no sex tonight but if he got back to Hogwarts soon there would at least be sleep. "I'll be leaving now Headmaster. I'm rather tired and..."

\----- ∞ -----

The next evening, Sirius made it up to him and Severus got his pounding. They talked afterwards, and Severus was struck by Sirius' perspicacity.

"You were upset last night..."

"I wanted a fuck, and with Lupin and Dum..."

"No, there was something else. What gives?"

He knew him well. Severus hesitated: "Bellatrix."

"What?"

He shook his head: "I don't know for sure, but she's planning something and I'm being kept out of it. I'm... troubled to say the least."

"That they don't trust you?"

"Of course, that, but also... I think it involves you and I'm not sure how."

"Well... considering I'm sitting here in this fucking house, a useless cowar..."

Severus flung himself on top of the other man: "No, don't say that. You are not useless, you are not a coward, you need to stay safe here, Potter needs to know that you are safe, _I_ need to know you are..."

His voice trailed off. He'd said more, perhaps, than he'd intended to. But Sirius was slumping into depression, something he seemed to be doing more and more during these weeks of early Spring. Severus quashed a bubble of fear and he grabbed onto Sirius and held him, fierce in his desire to console and protect and... and love.

\----- ∞ -----

Gryffindor won the Quidditch Cup and Severus had to endure the crowing of Minerva McGonagall, Albus Dumbledore and Sirius Black. The first two he was powerless against, but Black he tickled mercilessly every time the man started on a chorus of "Weasley is our King" that Severus had been stupid enough to tell him about.

\----- ∞ -----

O.W.L. reviews. Always stressful for Severus, who prided himself on an almost perfect pass rate. Neville Longbottom worried him. He should have laid off the boy years before, but the feeling of power he had over him almost made up for the constant torment that Harry put him through. He wasn't real proud of himself.

\----- ∞ -----

Severus had cleared a weekend away with Umbridge, strongly implying that if she should need more Veritaserum, he needed to brew something ummm.... restricted away from the school and she'd shivered in delight and told him to go.

They'd have two days to themselves. Time.

More than anything he was looking forward to sleeping with Sirius... and waking up with him, seeing him wake up, not slipping out hours before dawn. Waking up together, making love, showering together, breakfast together and a whole day together, talking, laughing and more. Sirius asked that if Severus knew how to brew a potion to prevent himself from getting hard, could he brew one that would allow them to keep it up longer and more times and Severus said "Of course" and Sirius punched him and told him to brew it next time, you git!

\----- ∞ -----

He couldn't have known, Sunday morning, as he was impaled on Sirius' cock, both of them sitting, kissing and fucking and Sirius' hand was warm and slippery with pre-come on Severus' cock... he couldn't have known during those moments of pure pleasure, of pure connection, he couldn't have known when he whispered three words in Sirius' ear and heard him whisper four back, he couldn't have known that it was the last time.

Of all the things he was thankful for, he was for this. That he'd not known. That Sirius' death had come as a lightening bolt out of the blue but that their last time together had been perfect.

\----- ∞ -----

 

 

  
  
Back in his lab, after getting the news from Dumbledore, matter of factly delivered because it's not as if Severus particularly cared about Sirius, he stood in shocked pain staring at the table with ingredients out for the potion Sirius had begged for, and something ripped inside of him and he wished, not for the first time, for death, all the while knowing that death wasn't something in his power to choose. He'd forgotten, during the heady months of his... affair... with Sirius Black, that he was, after all, a tool and that he had a promise and a mission to fulfill. Then, then maybe he would be free.

Numb with despair, he threw away the other ingredients and, his hands and fingers working on their own, he carefully brewed the Ahedonia potion.

\----- ∞ -----

His anger at Harry was hard to contain, and he fully admitted to himself that in some ways he really hated the boy. Because he'd not listened to anyone, thought he knew better and in his arrogance had gotten Black killed, and was very lucky that he was not dead himself.

With the promise he'd made to Dumbledore, he knew what the rest of his life was going to be like and he steeled himself for it. He'd submitted to the older Wizard's will for over fifteen years now and could do it for... as long as it took. Double agents didn't survive wars and he didn't want to anyhow. He never understood why, despite the contempt he knew Dumbledore had for him, why he'd loved the old man. Sirius had said that Severus was wrong, that Dumbledore had cared about him and respected him, but Severus had never felt that. He figured Sirius had been wrong.

He put all thoughts of Sirius out of his mind. Sirius was in his past, the most beautiful moments of his life, perhaps... but Lily, who lived in Harry, was the future and every thing he did, from now on, would be for her, for him. He'd strayed for a while and would not again.

\----- ∞ -----

He didn't think he'd survive killing Dumbledore. He wasn't sure he wanted to. But he did, perhaps despite himself. He went on, he'd keep the promises he'd made, he'd do his best to keep Hogwarts together and the students safe. He'd do his best to protect Potter, without tipping his hand to the Dark Lord, to send Potter to his death. Not that he wanted to, but it was what he'd promised to do, what he'd do for Lily, for Sirius, for Dumbledore and to rid the world of an evil he knew he was partly responsible for.

 

\----- ∞ -----

One day that summer, he went to Grimmauld Place. As he'd done so many times before, he climbed up the stairs to Sirius' room and opened the door. The bed, with its duvet, the photo of young Sirius, James, Peter and Remus on the wall, Sirius' old pin-ups. He found what he was looking for, the third version of the Marauder's map that Sirius had been working on before he died, one that showed the Chamber of Secrets and the Room of Requirement. He put it in his pocket. Sirius... Merlin, Sirius. He looked around again. He'd been raped in this room, he'd submitted to another man's will, he'd been sick and he'd healed. And he'd loved, more than anything, he'd loved here. He started to cry, the sobs harsh and bitter and they hurt.

He noticed something else on the dresser, an old letter. There was a photo inside. Lily. Merlin. Lily... Sirius... Lily. He thought about owling the letter to Potter but decided against it and left it there.

Then suddenly anger overtook him. He'd never believed the tales about Dumbledore, but they were true, he was finding out. Grindewald. The man who'd despised Severus for falling had flirted -more than flirted- with the Dark Arts as well, with a desire for power that Severus understood. And the letter seemed to imply that they'd know, James and Lily and Sirius and yet they'd all trusted him.

He raged and screamed and he threw things around for a while, tossing things onto the floor and kicking them.

And then it was all over. Spent, he picked up the letter and read it again, kneeling on the floor, in the middle of the mess he'd created. Tears were dripping from his nose, unheeded and he tamped down the pain.

He knew he shouldn't but he took the second page of the letter, the part where Lily had signed Love, Lily. Love for Sirius, her friend, his lover, a connection she'd never know about. He tore Harry and James out of the old photo and took just Lily, feeling guilty about it but tucking it with the letter inside his robes. This is what would help him survive 'til finally, it was time to finish things up.

He walked over to the photo of the four young boys on the wall, reached out and touched Sirius' face. "Love,” he said, quietly.

He felt the burning on his arm, and slowly left Grimmauld Place, back to the Dark Lord, to his position there.

Living, after all, was just a matter of putting on foot in front of the other, again and again, until finally, one day, it was over.

\----- ∞ -----

He didn't really wake up. He was just there, after seeing Lily's eyes... no, Harry's. Yet he felt that time had passed, and Lily told him later that it had, that he'd had inner demons to conquer and that they'd all been waiting for him.

He was on a path, though a green field and he knew it was morning, crisp and clear. He felt like morning too, somehow new. And naked. He wished for some clothes and suddenly, he had them on, his usual black armour. He turned back the way he thought he'd have come from and saw Hogwarts, his only home, the first place he'd ever been safe and he took one step that way, only to find his body taking on a pearly quality. He stepped back and turned around. The other direction was unknown. Empty, just a path going nowhere.

Still, forward was better than back, and he took one step, then another.

He looked up and there were people in the path, next to it, thirty or so feet ahead of him.

James Potter, a disgruntled grin on his face. Mad-Eye, whole and younger. Lupin and Miss Tonks... oh no. The baby, the poor baby. He closed his eyes for a second against the pain. Fred, but not George and he again felt anguish.

And in the path, slightly ahead of the others, Albus Dumbledore, Lily Potter and Sirius Black.

No Harry. He knew then that Harry had survived and he knew too, from the expression on Dumbledore's face, that Voldemort had not.

Resplendent in robes of deep purple, Albus smiled at him and in that smile Severus saw the love that he'd always hoped for and tears sprang to his eyes. And Lily was smiling at him too, that wonderful, gentle smile, her hair so bright in the morning and he stopped, too overwhelmed with happiness to move.

Then Sirius Black stepped out in front of the other two and opened his arms a smile on his face, the morning breeze playing in his silky black hair. "What are you waiting for?" he asked and Severus took two steps before breaking into a most undignified run.

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
